DogBoston’s Dog Blog

When I was a new Mom, it took me ages to enter the neighborhood Tot Lot. Everyone there seemed so comfortable with one another and seemed to share some unwritten code of behavior, one that went beyond the posted rules on the park fence. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to figure things out. Finally, I called up my reserve of courage and took my daughter into the little park.

She was eight months old, old enough to sit up in the sandbox and explore the textures, smells, and general newness of the place. I, on the other hand, gradually got to know the parents and caretakers and began to analyze the tacit Tot Lot rules by observing the choices the adults made in a variety of situations. Of course, not everyone shared the same values, but by and large, if you were going to achieve harmony at the Tot Lot, you were going to observe some de rigueur behaviors.

I did OK. As my confidence grew, I felt freer to follow the beat of my own drummer and to seek out like-minded Moms and caretakers. I figured that despite our mask of coolness, we were all trying to figure things out: the good, the bad, the ugly. For the next two years, the Tot Lot became a center of activity, solace, laughter, community building, and a treasure trove of information for me. I could count on Jessica to tell me it was OK to give my child a raisin bagel from Breugger’s for dinner because, after all, it contained fruit. I could count on Rachel to update me on the latest vaccination research. I could count on Ed and Marion to show up at “twilight at the Tot Lot “ and talk jazz while our kids swung on the swings or played on the seesaw.

Fast forward 14 years.

My child no longer wants to chill with her Mom, but I do have this puppy now. After he receives all his shots, I start taking him to a couple of the off leash parks around my neighborhood. I am lucky there are two nearby.

But even though I am older and perhaps more confident, I still experience the same Tot Lot trepidation as I did years earlier as I enter an established community of dog owners who seem to get along by observing another set of unwritten rules, or at least follow some shared codes. I figure I have to learn all over again. But the more I visit, the more I realize the codes are very similar to those I figured out so many years ago. In fact, I am astounded at how many of the same situations I encounter, and how many of the same feelings I have, that mimic my years as a new Mom at the playground.

I have learned that it is in everyone’s best interest if you extend yourself a little for the general benefit of the park—Tot Lot or Doggie Park. That means: pick up after yourself, but also, sometimes, pick up after others. That pile of poop you see that isn’t your dog’s could be there because the person didn’t see it at night, or missed it while attending to other things. Similarly, it could be that the Mom whose kid had a hissy fit couldn’t stop and pick up the spilled goldfish crackers that made a mess all over the sandbox, so go ahead and clean it up. Be compassionate. Someone will do the same for you. Don’t assume the worst. Play it forward. I have learned that it is always good to bring more poop bags (baby wipes, Pampers) than you think you need. It costs very little to be generous in this regard.

It is always good to share your snacks. (Don’t you hate it when someone gives her doggie treats and the other dogs are like: whhha? Huh? What am I, chopped liver? )It is like when some perfect Mommy at the Tot Lot opens her Tupperware of Cheerios and orange sections and you are having one of those days when you just had to get out of the house and haven’t had the wherewithal to pack a juice box and bagel bites. On those days when you are together, I have found it is good to pack extra. And then, be sure to ask the caretaker if it is OK to share. Act accordingly. It can be dangerous or dumb to share without asking because there may be allergies, training issues, or other factors involved you don’t know about. We all know food is love, but be careful.

At the Tot Lot and at the Doggie Park, I have found that it is a good thing not to get too personal, at least not right away. Not everyone is at the dog park or the Tot Lot to make new friends, to hear about your divorce, or to listen to other personal information. Keep it light and kid or dog related until you get to know someone’s interests, boundaries, and often, politics.

Compliment people on their tots and dogs. They will glow.

Dog folks and Tot Lot people often know one another by their kid or dog’s name. I went from being Rosa’s Mom to Mojo’s Mom. That’s OK with me. It’s just funny how we relate to each other in these environments by the main reason that draws us there: we are mothers, we are dog caretakers, and that persona takes foreground.

Many people at doggie parks are childless—by choice or by inability have kids. It may not be the kindest thing to talk about your child a lot in this context. I have tried to be careful sharing my insights about similarities between the cultures for this reason.

On balance, even though many of us have different dog rearing philosophies and styles, and even though the people I meet at the dog park may not become my best friends, I find the same solace, camaraderie, support, and humor there that I found at the tot lot many years before. I got day care recommendations years ago, and I got dog walking recommendations recently. None of us raise any mammals in isolation. We need the herd, and I am so grateful I have mine nearby.

Lena Burgio lives in the Boston area and writes for DogBoston.